Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost myself. The last few years, I was so focused on living well and then starting a business helping others do the same, that I was losing weight, running farther, laughing more and generally feeling great. I started to believe I really could have the life I wanted after all.
Then something happened. Actually, that’s a bad way of saying it because that would imply that something actually happened when, in fact, nothing really did. Sure, there were some changes to my routine, with all of my kids starting at school and the increasing responsibility of my business. And yes, we had a natural disaster that set us back a couple weeks while we lived in a powerless alternate reality. But nothing happened that should have stopped me for good. I, like many of you I’m sure, could point to a million different things that happened over the last six months that would make perfectly acceptable excuses for my current state. However…
What is my current state you ask? Oh boy, where do I start? I have successfully started that business I was talking about before and I really do believe I am helping other people discover and live the lives they’ve always wanted to live. But I’m not sure I’m helping myself do the same anymore.
Except for the hours every week that I am physically with clients, I would describe myself as tired and unfocused and often sad. I’m not exercising regularly and while my eating will never be as bad as it once was, it has taken back on the haphazard, unconscious style of years past. If you asked me what I had for dinner last night, I might not be able to answer the question. As has happened in the past, I’ve quit on myself and when I quit on myself, stuff has a way of getting totally out of control. Try having a job where you teach others how to live while knowing you aren’t practicing what you preach. It’s like the Fat Cardiologist-heavy on the hypocrite.
Why am I telling you this here? Here, on this site where I’m supposed to be the Coach who can help you avoid these situations in your own life? Here I am admitting I’ve taken quite a tumble. Risky business, perhaps. But I’m no kind of coach at all if I’m not honest and this is the honest truth-even coaches need coaches sometimes to remind them how to Be.
I’ve stumbled. Hell, I’ve fallen, hard, of late. But I know there are better days ahead. I know that all I have to do is recommit to paying attention to myself. I can’t use everyone else as an excuse to put myself last, because when that happens, everyone loses.
Before you get to feeling sorry for me, let me admit another hard truth. I think I put myself last when I am scared or when I’m more comfortable being a martyr than being a risk-taker. It is no coincidence that as soon as my business started picking up, my personal life came crashing down.
All these years I’ve thought, “as soon as I find my niche and begin a job I love, THEN I’ll be happy.” Know what happened? I found a job I loved. I even created my own niche. But as soon as I felt that shift, my subconscious had to figure out a way to screw it up because what if I failed and never could be happy or, even worse, what if I succeeded and had to be happy? Holy crap, what then?
I think we all get comfortable in our own personal level of misery and when that misery is threatened by abundant happiness, we might just shoot ourselves in the foot. For you it might be reverting to old ways. For me, it is checking out entirely and living my life in reaction mode. Gone went the planning and the purpose and in came auto-pilot, which often steers me in the wrong direction. Only you know why. I’m still trying to figure out why for myself, but I’ve decided not to wait for the answers before I get back on track.
So, here I am, staring at the right track, the conscious track. Part of the return to conscious living is being accountable for what I do, how I think and what I say to myself. So, I will share those things here. For better or worse, here I will share the truth.