The Ugly Truth

kidsonbeachSomewhere along the way, I’ve lost myself. The last few years, I was so focused on living well and then starting a business helping others do the same, that I was losing weight, running farther, laughing more and generally feeling great. I started to believe I really could have the life I wanted after all.

Then something happened. Actually, that’s a bad way of saying it because that would imply that something actually happened when, in fact, nothing really did. Sure, there were some changes to my routine, with all of my kids starting at school and the increasing responsibility of my business. And yes, we had a natural disaster that set us back a couple weeks while we lived in a powerless alternate reality. But nothing happened that should have stopped me for good. I, like many of you I’m sure, could point to a million different things that happened over the last six months that would make perfectly acceptable excuses for my current state. However…

What is my current state you ask? Oh boy, where do I start? I have successfully started that business I was talking about before and I really do believe I am helping other people discover and live the lives they’ve always wanted to live. But I’m not sure I’m helping myself do the same anymore.

Except for the hours every week that I am physically with  clients, I would describe myself  as tired and unfocused and often sad. I’m not exercising regularly and while my eating will never be as bad as it once was, it has taken back on the haphazard, unconscious style of years past. If you asked me what I had for dinner last night, I might not be able to answer the question. As has happened in the past, I’ve quit on myself and when I quit on myself, stuff has a way of getting totally out of control. Try having a job where you teach others how to live while knowing you aren’t practicing what you preach. It’s like the Fat Cardiologist-heavy on the hypocrite.

Why am I telling you this here? Here, on this site where I’m supposed to be the Coach who can help you avoid these situations in your own life? Here I am admitting I’ve taken quite a tumble. Risky business, perhaps. But I’m no kind of coach at all if I’m not honest and this is the honest truth-even coaches need coaches sometimes to remind them how to Be.

I’ve stumbled. Hell, I’ve fallen, hard, of late. But I know there are better days ahead. I know that all I have to do is recommit to paying attention to myself. I can’t use everyone else as an excuse to put myself last, because when that happens, everyone loses.

Before you get to feeling sorry for me, let me admit another hard truth. I think I put myself last when I am scared or when I’m more comfortable being a martyr than being a risk-taker. It is no coincidence that as soon as my business started picking up, my personal life came crashing down.

All these years I’ve thought, “as soon as I find my niche and begin a job I love, THEN I’ll be happy.” Know what happened? I found a job I loved. I even created my own niche. But as soon as I felt that shift, my subconscious had to figure out a way to screw it up because what if I failed and never could be happy or, even worse, what if I succeeded and had to be happy? Holy crap, what then?

I think we all get comfortable in our own personal level of misery and when that misery is threatened by abundant happiness, we might just shoot ourselves in the foot. For you it might be reverting to old ways. For me, it is checking out entirely and living my life in reaction mode. Gone went the planning and the purpose and in came auto-pilot, which often steers me in the wrong direction. Only you know why. I’m still trying to figure out why for myself, but I’ve decided not to wait for the answers before I get back on track.

So, here I am, staring at the right track, the conscious track. Part of the return to conscious living is being accountable for what I do, how I think and what I say to myself. So, I will share those things here. For better or worse, here I will share the truth.





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20 Responses to The Ugly Truth

  1. You are too hard on yourself! It’s just balance. It feels so great when you have it, but we just slip to one side every now and then. You are acknowledging that something needs to change, and I know you will make it happen!! And, I ate a chocolate donut today. Feel better about what you ate today now? lol You’ve so go this!!

  2. Danielle says:

    Love this-authentic, real and brave. We are all human, even coaches, we all stumble, fall and those who are successes just keep getting up again. I am sure so many of us can relate-I know I can. Bravo for having the courage to put yourself out there, be vulnerable and real.

  3. eila says:

    i love you for sharing this… if it’s any consolation, you are not alone. what a roller coaster this whole motherhood/entrepreneur/friend/wife gig is. xo

    • It isn’t a consolation because I’d never wish someone in this same boat, but it is a bit comforting to know I’m not alone. I just keep thinking about growing “pains” and somehow knowing the pain is from moving forward helps.

  4. Allison Zucosky says:

    I agree…what a balancing act this wife, working mother thing is! We will all get it right one day, but until then, keep sharing! Lets get back to the sickles track soon!

  5. Great article. I found myself in the same boat last fall. I found a really talented counsellor who helped me get back on track. Just remember that you will weave in and out of alignment with your mission, and no matter where you are, you don’t have to stay there.

  6. Penny Roach says:

    It took a lot of courage to admit all of this, let alone put it out there in your blog. I commend you for that because there are MANY of us who have been where you are. Focus on what you can do TODAY and take it one step at a time. We ALL fall. Those of us who are happy and successful just fell more than others and were always willing to get back up. Peace to you!!

  7. June says:

    No – you are not alone! I have been having similar issues, since I finished coaching my last Detox, and it all went so well!!! Tonight I polished off three Lindt chocolate truffles, and had returned to a large slice of sweet raisin bread😦 What amazes me is that I had participated in the Detox with my clients, and lost 2 & 1/2 pounds in three days – I had been allowing 8 pounds to creep up on me since last Spring. Now I know that is not a great deal of weight – but I see a trend here. I am going to bed now to think about all this. I so appreciate your honesty, and I think it will be beneficial to your clients as well. Oh, forgot to mention I have stopped my weight lifting, which was a major source of enjoyment and empowerment.

  8. Gay Edelman says:

    I totally recognize this. I see it happen all the time. Our outside lives get bigger, our inside lives suffer, and we have to recalibrate and start over. It’s the rhythm of life. The what doesn’t matter so much to me any more after tons of times through this cycle. What matters is the how. How do I get back on track? Radical self-love, extreme self-nurture. This–meaning my life, my work, my self-care, my BEING–has to be for me. The higher me. The me that is eternal and powerful and knows what’s best and wants what’s best for me first, then for everyone else.

    You’re in a tough phase of life, my friend, with kids, work, and all. You’re doing fine. Often, just the awareness is the correction. Certainly, it creates a new beginning. But you knew that!

  9. Saying things out loud can do a world of good. Hoping things are evening out for you.

  10. Pingback: Moving Forward | Real Life Wellness

  11. I think you have articulated what many of us feel. Life is just a series up back and forths, ebbs and flows I believe. The fact that you always try to identify when you become derailed and get back on track is more than many can do. The fact that you know how it feels to be human means you really “get it” when working as a coach with others!! What a great, honest post🙂

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